Grieving multiple losses – how do we cope?

Grieving multiple losses is far more common than we might imagine and can lead to grief overload. How many times do we say that troubles all come together?

Elizabeth Postle looks into the ways we might end up with an overload of grief and then suggests ways of coping.  

Multiple grief comes in many different forms.

• There may be multiple deaths within a short period of time either within a family, or among friends.  
• The combination of a death in the family, a divorce or separation, loss of a job, an accident, or diagnosis of a chronic illness can also lead to bereavement overload as these are all important and stressful losses.  
• Loss of a baby through miscarriage or having to give up a child to adoption might be other examples of grief which can come on top of other losses.  
• Loss of a pet or a home can be important causes of grief too.  
• The children leaving home can lead to feelings of empty nest syndrome or loss of identity.  

All these create feelings of grief, and combinations of any of them can be very stressful and put much pressure on people and their families.

Even a happy occasion such as a wedding can become a source of stress in combination with any of these difficult life events.  Read more about the different types of grief here.  

Multiple Losses due to Separation

So many couples separate and often one partner loses not only their wife or husband, but the home, the children, the dog, plus the lifestyle they enjoyed. Many of their partners friends and extended families are lost too as it is often difficult to keep in touch with in laws and shared friends. 

There is shock, anger, loneliness, pain and a sense of worthlessness. A loss of confidence often accompanies anxiety, as they wonder how to cope with the future alone. 

Add to this, the death of a family member during this already very stressful episode and the stress levels become extreme.  It is a difficult time when lots of support is needed.

Loss of Multiple Family Members within a Short Period. 

Sadly this is all too common.  The stress of losing a husband or wife can often kill someone whose health is not good either.

My cousin lost his father after many years of chronic Illness.  His mother had been the full time caregiver and she was only in her middle years. Sadly within weeks she had died too as she had undiagnosed cancer. She had been too busy caring for her husband to check out her own symptoms. My cousin was an only child and had been looking forward to spending more time with her.

Within weeks he had lost both parents and his old family home which had to be sold.

Loss of Entire Family in One Accident

We have all heard of families being lost from car accidents.  Only this week there was a story of a child who walked out of a plane crash having lost all her close family. We wonder how she will ever get over this horrific trauma.

Can You Die from a Broken Heart?

A friend lost her mother recently, who had suffered from dementia.  Within two weeks of the funeral her father died suddenly. When elderly couples lose a lifelong partner the shock can cause complications and sometimes a heart attack.   

Only today I read an article which said:  “But can you really die from a “broken heart?” Researchers say yes. Losing a significant person in your life raises your risk of having a heart attack the next day by 21 times, and in the following week by six times”.

Read the article here. 

It shows that it is really important for caregivers and partners of those with chronic disease to look after themselves as well and get regular check-ups.  My book on Alzheimer's Caregivers emphasizes this all the way through. 

How do any of us ever cope with grieving multiple losses?

The slings and arrows of life’s misfortunes hit some families very badly. The shock and numbness helps in the beginning. Then organising all the day to day details gets us through some of the difficult times.

Multiple loss can shake anyone’s confidence, to the point where they feel they cannot go on.  But they will, sometimes with help from counsellors, friends, family and their own willpower to overcome the trauma.

The one certainty is that when you have lost your loved ones you have no choice but to cope as best as you can for the children or family who are left, and for your own sake too.  Everyone will be grieving, that is the fact that we have to accept. We owe it to ourselves to get on with our lives.

Do it for your loved ones who have died, live life to the full for them, would they like you to spend the rest of your life being miserable?

No one is ever expected to forget a loved one, just learn to cope with another day without them.

Some people put all their energy into working long hours. Others give more time to their hobbies - golf or fishing for example.

It is important to find an activity which helps to reduce your stress levels.  Yoga, or sewing, painting or walking, whatever gives you pleasure.  None of us can grieve 24 hours a day. We have pages here on how to relax, and some ideas for activities. 

There is no doubt that life will never be the same again. But we will learn to live with the new reality, and gradually find some small pleasures again. 

I will share again this image I made a while ago because it sums up how we can progress and find the magic in life again. 

Get Some Support When Grieving Multiple Losses

When we grieve we are never alone - so many of us suffer loss each day.  Find others in the same boat in an online forum or local grief support group and share with others.

People can be so supportive, often just reading how they coped and survived is a comfort. No, it isn’t easy, some days are better than others, but we can enjoy life again given time.

Our site has many positive pages to help during the difficult days and many guest writers have shared their experiences and coping mechanisms. We have had a lot of positive feedback and hope the site will be a support for you too.

Finally, don't be afraid to consult a counsellor if you are not coping.  We have recommended an excellent online grief counselling service below.  

Related Pages: 

Books to Help with Grief

Different Types of Grief

10 Ways to Cope with Grief

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